Have you ever heard a teenager talk about an alcoholic parent and the resultant chaos of their family life? Their self-blame? Their fears and how they fuel enormous amounts of anger, rage and driven to act out because it feels like nobody cares?
I have, in abundance; likely, over 20,000 such teenagers over the past 20 years. And yet, when I heard some teenagers share again this past weekend about the insanity of their parents who drink or react to the drinking spouse, of the verbal and physical abuse, the enormous amount of neglect, the depth of their grief and loss – it hit me in the heart and in the gut, just like it always does.
What’s up with a society that doesn’t acknowledge the emotional damage done to children of alcoholics and addicts? Where are the compassion, honesty and civilized discourse about the family impact of the disease of alcoholism and addiction – especially on the children and the desperate acting-out of teens?
American society is in a thick cloud of denial and ignorance fueled by corporate entities and gang-organizations that make millions if not billions promoting and selling alcohol, legal and illegal drugs to deal with the emotions and the stress in people’s lives. The profiteers do not want to reduce the dependence nor soothe the emotional wounds of the next generation. The more troubled and filled with pain and angst teens and young adults are, the greater consumer of mind-altering substances they become.
In this time of economic crisis, school funding for alcohol and drug abuse counselors is being axed, considered a luxury. Teens dependent on alcohol and drugs to cope with emotional trauma are not about to be academic achievers. And yet, addressing the emotional wounds and the misguided methods of coping are luxury items?
Sorry, but that’s not acceptable humanity in my world view. If youth are the most important resource on the planet as educators and administrators claim, then address their total needs, especially when the stats currently say that 1 in 4 children are living in a home where there is alcoholism or drug abuse. It is time to take alcoholism and drug addiction out of the closet of shame and into the discussion of active, committed prevention, intervention and treatment.
Showing posts with label teens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teens. Show all posts
Monday, May 16, 2011
Thursday, June 3, 2010
How to Handle Feelings and Gossip
Wisdom comes in many forms, but EMOTIONAL WISDOM™ is perhaps the most important when it comes to your family, friends and even yourself.
EMOTIONAL WISDOM™ is about seeing that we are all alike on the inside. On the outside, we look different, act different; have different cultural habits, ethnicity, different color hair, eyes, and skin. But on the inside, we all have the capacity to feel loved, wanted and belong. We also all have the capacity to feel lonely, unwanted and alone.
We become emotionally wise when we realize that we can either help ourselves and others feel like they belong and are valued or make ourselves and others feel like losers, unwanted and alone.
Our emotions affect all of our decisions. When we feel unloved and alone, it can be extremely painful. Feeling like we don’t fit in can also fell like we are worthless, not good enough to be liked or loved. These feelings drive many teens, as well as adults, to want to escape the pain. Teens and adults often turn to alcohol, drugs (prescription and/or illegal), self-harm, bullying of others, overeating, and irresponsible sex to escape lonely and other uncomfortable feelings. Humans need love to thrive; no one copes well when they feel unlovable.
Understanding and developing EMOTIONAL WISDOM™ is very helpful. By 7th and 8th grade, teens experience gossip in abundance! When others gossip about us, we no longer feel loved or like we fit in. We no longer feel safe opening up honestly with others. Soon, we may find ourselves gossiping about others as well because when we feel unwanted, unlovable or alone, gossiping takes the attention off of our own feelings for awhile. We may feel better at first when we put others down, but it actually can add more uncomfortable feelings like shame, embarrassment, bitterness, resentment and more.
Here is a simple way to develop the EMOTIONAL WISDOM™ that helps to deal with uncomfortable feelings:
1. Notice when you first feel uncomfortable feelings.
When you start to feel unloved, unwanted, and alone, or that you don’t fit in or aren’t good enough – HALT!
Take the time to ask yourself: What happened that brought on these feelings? Did a parent criticize me before leaving the house? Did someone ignore or snub me when I got to school? Did a teacher scold or give me a nasty look?
2. Rethink the situation and do three things:
A. Think to yourself:
Just because someone criticizes me, doesn’t make it true nor make me a loser.
B. Ask Yourself::
Were they having a bad day? Do they feel lousy about themselves?
Is it REALLY about me or more about them?
C. Be honest with yourself:
Is there some truth to what they said? Was I cold or rude or thoughtless? Do I owe an apology? How can I do better next time?
3. Talk it out with a trustworthy adult.
Find an adult who has EMOTIONAL WISDOM™, someone who understands feelings and doesn’t make fun of others. Ask them to be your “Encourager” – the person you can easily talk to about situations when you are having uncomfortable feelings.
How do you know if they have EMOTIONAL WISDOM™? Emotionally-wise adults are patient; they don’t criticize or scold; they don’t put you down for how you feel or think; they encourage your dreams and goals; and they listen when you talk about feelings including when you feel down, depressed, rejected, hurt, etc. They don’t make you feel “wrong” for being YOU.
Remember: You are not bad no matter what you feel. It is what you do with your feelings that matters.
4. Set a Personal Policy – Resist gossiping about others
Unless it is GOOD GOSSIP where you have something positive to say about
another person, resist saying the negative.
When we talk over feelings with a trustworthy adult, the urge to gossip about
others diminishes. We develop empathy – the ability to understand that other
people, adults as well as teens, can be motivated to gossip because they don’t feel
good about themselves; they may be feeling lonely, unlovable and alone. They
may be full of anger because of rejection. That doesn’t make it right to gossip or
be mean to others, but it can help us not take their words or actions personally or
be so hurt by them.
We can see that taking our uncomfortable and angry feelings out on others, by
gossiping, criticizing, or snubbing others, doesn’t fix the feelings. It only hurts
them and leaves us with more low self-esteem.
Set a personal policy:
I will deal with uncomfortable feelings in a healthy way. I will not gossip.
I will talk about my feelings with a trustworthy adult.
In this way, you will develop EMOTIONAL WISDOM™.
You will help yourself feel more comfortable with yourself and others.
You can be Proud of Yourself!
BIO ON SUSIE VANDERLIP
Dancer, actor, speaker and author, Susie is an internationally-renown theatrical speaker and expert on teens, families, stress management, and prevention of underage drinking, drug use, teen pregnancy, gangs, bullying, and more. She has toured her one-woman show LEGACY OF HOPE® to over one million youth and adults worldwide at schools, communities, churches and conferences. Check her out at www.legacyofhope.com. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter!
800-707-1977 * 2942 E. Chapman Ave #112, Orange, CA 92869
EMOTIONAL WISDOM™ is about seeing that we are all alike on the inside. On the outside, we look different, act different; have different cultural habits, ethnicity, different color hair, eyes, and skin. But on the inside, we all have the capacity to feel loved, wanted and belong. We also all have the capacity to feel lonely, unwanted and alone.
We become emotionally wise when we realize that we can either help ourselves and others feel like they belong and are valued or make ourselves and others feel like losers, unwanted and alone.
Our emotions affect all of our decisions. When we feel unloved and alone, it can be extremely painful. Feeling like we don’t fit in can also fell like we are worthless, not good enough to be liked or loved. These feelings drive many teens, as well as adults, to want to escape the pain. Teens and adults often turn to alcohol, drugs (prescription and/or illegal), self-harm, bullying of others, overeating, and irresponsible sex to escape lonely and other uncomfortable feelings. Humans need love to thrive; no one copes well when they feel unlovable.
Understanding and developing EMOTIONAL WISDOM™ is very helpful. By 7th and 8th grade, teens experience gossip in abundance! When others gossip about us, we no longer feel loved or like we fit in. We no longer feel safe opening up honestly with others. Soon, we may find ourselves gossiping about others as well because when we feel unwanted, unlovable or alone, gossiping takes the attention off of our own feelings for awhile. We may feel better at first when we put others down, but it actually can add more uncomfortable feelings like shame, embarrassment, bitterness, resentment and more.
Here is a simple way to develop the EMOTIONAL WISDOM™ that helps to deal with uncomfortable feelings:
1. Notice when you first feel uncomfortable feelings.
When you start to feel unloved, unwanted, and alone, or that you don’t fit in or aren’t good enough – HALT!
Take the time to ask yourself: What happened that brought on these feelings? Did a parent criticize me before leaving the house? Did someone ignore or snub me when I got to school? Did a teacher scold or give me a nasty look?
2. Rethink the situation and do three things:
A. Think to yourself:
Just because someone criticizes me, doesn’t make it true nor make me a loser.
B. Ask Yourself::
Were they having a bad day? Do they feel lousy about themselves?
Is it REALLY about me or more about them?
C. Be honest with yourself:
Is there some truth to what they said? Was I cold or rude or thoughtless? Do I owe an apology? How can I do better next time?
3. Talk it out with a trustworthy adult.
Find an adult who has EMOTIONAL WISDOM™, someone who understands feelings and doesn’t make fun of others. Ask them to be your “Encourager” – the person you can easily talk to about situations when you are having uncomfortable feelings.
How do you know if they have EMOTIONAL WISDOM™? Emotionally-wise adults are patient; they don’t criticize or scold; they don’t put you down for how you feel or think; they encourage your dreams and goals; and they listen when you talk about feelings including when you feel down, depressed, rejected, hurt, etc. They don’t make you feel “wrong” for being YOU.
Remember: You are not bad no matter what you feel. It is what you do with your feelings that matters.
4. Set a Personal Policy – Resist gossiping about others
Unless it is GOOD GOSSIP where you have something positive to say about
another person, resist saying the negative.
When we talk over feelings with a trustworthy adult, the urge to gossip about
others diminishes. We develop empathy – the ability to understand that other
people, adults as well as teens, can be motivated to gossip because they don’t feel
good about themselves; they may be feeling lonely, unlovable and alone. They
may be full of anger because of rejection. That doesn’t make it right to gossip or
be mean to others, but it can help us not take their words or actions personally or
be so hurt by them.
We can see that taking our uncomfortable and angry feelings out on others, by
gossiping, criticizing, or snubbing others, doesn’t fix the feelings. It only hurts
them and leaves us with more low self-esteem.
Set a personal policy:
I will deal with uncomfortable feelings in a healthy way. I will not gossip.
I will talk about my feelings with a trustworthy adult.
In this way, you will develop EMOTIONAL WISDOM™.
You will help yourself feel more comfortable with yourself and others.
You can be Proud of Yourself!
BIO ON SUSIE VANDERLIP
Dancer, actor, speaker and author, Susie is an internationally-renown theatrical speaker and expert on teens, families, stress management, and prevention of underage drinking, drug use, teen pregnancy, gangs, bullying, and more. She has toured her one-woman show LEGACY OF HOPE® to over one million youth and adults worldwide at schools, communities, churches and conferences. Check her out at www.legacyofhope.com. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter!
800-707-1977 * 2942 E. Chapman Ave #112, Orange, CA 92869
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Q&A with Susie: Teens feelings about Parent's Divorce
Dear Ms. Susie,
I just wanted to thank you for your presentation this morning at my High School. The characters you portrayed were very close to home for me and it touched my heart. It was really nice having you present today and understand what most of us teens go through in our everyday life.
I too, have the emotion of feeling neglected and unloved. My parents divorced when I was in elementary school and I still, to this day, remember every single thing that happened during the time when my parents were in the process of getting a divorce. Every now and then I still cry because my dad doesn't care about me and he has a new wife that doesn't want him to see me. I sometimes feel that it’s my fault that my parents got a divorce. Sometimes I even feel that I was just a mistake. I just wanted to thank you for understanding and I also wanted to say how I can relate to many of the characters. I come from a broken family; it's nice to know someone like you understands.
Sincerely,
Grateful Teen
__________________________________________
Hello Grateful!
THANK YOU for emailing and sharing about your life.
I know how it feels to think things are your fault and that somehow you are responsible for the lack of love from others in your life. Truth is, you did not cause your parents to divorce, nor for your father to neglect you. None of us are a "mistake" in God's world. He wanted us to be born, no matter WHAT craziness our parents may be going through! And having parents that don't seem to care enough is very common because many parents are NOT mature and emotionally intelligent. They are still angry, self-centered kids inside, thinking life is all about THEM! Especially if either of them drinks heavily or does any drugs. Then they are SURE to neglect their kids because alcohol and drugs damage the brains ability to be mature, responsible and able to love.
I think it is important to decide if you want to feel like a "victim" and always the loser or not. It's not easy letting go of thinking we're not good enough. It's even a safe belief to have because then when anything goes wrong, we can always just feel like it is our fault and not have to care or try to make life better! HOWEVER, there are so many LOVING people in the world, who are compassionate, patient, kind and giving. The key is where to find them. You don't find them at parties typically. Usually in places where people are helping other people, involved in service, spiritual endeavors, positive people. At any rate, I encourage you to keep your eyes open for people who DO accept you just the way you are and are RELIABLE in their friendship. Just because parents are not, does not mean you are not lovable and deserve respect and reliable caring from others!
I will keep you in my prayers!
Susie Vanderlip
I just wanted to thank you for your presentation this morning at my High School. The characters you portrayed were very close to home for me and it touched my heart. It was really nice having you present today and understand what most of us teens go through in our everyday life.
I too, have the emotion of feeling neglected and unloved. My parents divorced when I was in elementary school and I still, to this day, remember every single thing that happened during the time when my parents were in the process of getting a divorce. Every now and then I still cry because my dad doesn't care about me and he has a new wife that doesn't want him to see me. I sometimes feel that it’s my fault that my parents got a divorce. Sometimes I even feel that I was just a mistake. I just wanted to thank you for understanding and I also wanted to say how I can relate to many of the characters. I come from a broken family; it's nice to know someone like you understands.
Sincerely,
Grateful Teen
__________________________________________
Hello Grateful!
THANK YOU for emailing and sharing about your life.
I know how it feels to think things are your fault and that somehow you are responsible for the lack of love from others in your life. Truth is, you did not cause your parents to divorce, nor for your father to neglect you. None of us are a "mistake" in God's world. He wanted us to be born, no matter WHAT craziness our parents may be going through! And having parents that don't seem to care enough is very common because many parents are NOT mature and emotionally intelligent. They are still angry, self-centered kids inside, thinking life is all about THEM! Especially if either of them drinks heavily or does any drugs. Then they are SURE to neglect their kids because alcohol and drugs damage the brains ability to be mature, responsible and able to love.
I think it is important to decide if you want to feel like a "victim" and always the loser or not. It's not easy letting go of thinking we're not good enough. It's even a safe belief to have because then when anything goes wrong, we can always just feel like it is our fault and not have to care or try to make life better! HOWEVER, there are so many LOVING people in the world, who are compassionate, patient, kind and giving. The key is where to find them. You don't find them at parties typically. Usually in places where people are helping other people, involved in service, spiritual endeavors, positive people. At any rate, I encourage you to keep your eyes open for people who DO accept you just the way you are and are RELIABLE in their friendship. Just because parents are not, does not mean you are not lovable and deserve respect and reliable caring from others!
I will keep you in my prayers!
Susie Vanderlip
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
2007 Newsletters
January
http://www.legacyofhope.com/January_2007.htm -Giving Girls Goals
February
http://www.legacyofhope.com/feb_2007.htm -Underage drinking
March
http:/// -DENIAL - Small Word, Big Impact
April
http://www.legacyofhope.com/Apr_2007.htm -Kids and Money -What They Need To Know
May
http://www.legacyofhope.com/May_2007.htm -Drug Test Your Teen - Yes or No - FREE DRUG TESTS AVAILABLE
June
http://www.legacyofhope.com/June_2007.htm -Free GRAND Subscription, Kids of Meth Parents, Prescription Drug Use in Rehab, Power of Parenting Day
July
http://www.legacyofhope.com/July_2007.htm -FOX NEWS LIVE Interview with Susie; Teens & Risk-Taking;Emotional Connection/Attunement facilitates Academic Achievement; Research on Zero Tolerance; and Parents Providing Alcohol at Parties
August
http://www.legacyofhope.com/Aug_2007.htm -Stop Childhood Obesity - Nutrition Newsletter
September
http://www.legacyofhope.com/Sept 2007.htm - Teen Emotional Issues - Talking Helps, Psychotropic Drugs and more
http://www.legacyofhope.com/January_2007.htm -Giving Girls Goals
February
http://www.legacyofhope.com/feb_2007.htm -Underage drinking
March
http:/// -DENIAL - Small Word, Big Impact
April
http://www.legacyofhope.com/Apr_2007.htm -Kids and Money -What They Need To Know
May
http://www.legacyofhope.com/May_2007.htm -Drug Test Your Teen - Yes or No - FREE DRUG TESTS AVAILABLE
June
http://www.legacyofhope.com/June_2007.htm -Free GRAND Subscription, Kids of Meth Parents, Prescription Drug Use in Rehab, Power of Parenting Day
July
http://www.legacyofhope.com/July_2007.htm -FOX NEWS LIVE Interview with Susie; Teens & Risk-Taking;Emotional Connection/Attunement facilitates Academic Achievement; Research on Zero Tolerance; and Parents Providing Alcohol at Parties
August
http://www.legacyofhope.com/Aug_2007.htm -Stop Childhood Obesity - Nutrition Newsletter
September
http://www.legacyofhope.com/Sept 2007.htm - Teen Emotional Issues - Talking Helps, Psychotropic Drugs and more
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