Have you ever heard a teenager talk about an alcoholic parent and the resultant chaos of their family life? Their self-blame? Their fears and how they fuel enormous amounts of anger, rage and driven to act out because it feels like nobody cares?
I have, in abundance; likely, over 20,000 such teenagers over the past 20 years. And yet, when I heard some teenagers share again this past weekend about the insanity of their parents who drink or react to the drinking spouse, of the verbal and physical abuse, the enormous amount of neglect, the depth of their grief and loss – it hit me in the heart and in the gut, just like it always does.
What’s up with a society that doesn’t acknowledge the emotional damage done to children of alcoholics and addicts? Where are the compassion, honesty and civilized discourse about the family impact of the disease of alcoholism and addiction – especially on the children and the desperate acting-out of teens?
American society is in a thick cloud of denial and ignorance fueled by corporate entities and gang-organizations that make millions if not billions promoting and selling alcohol, legal and illegal drugs to deal with the emotions and the stress in people’s lives. The profiteers do not want to reduce the dependence nor soothe the emotional wounds of the next generation. The more troubled and filled with pain and angst teens and young adults are, the greater consumer of mind-altering substances they become.
In this time of economic crisis, school funding for alcohol and drug abuse counselors is being axed, considered a luxury. Teens dependent on alcohol and drugs to cope with emotional trauma are not about to be academic achievers. And yet, addressing the emotional wounds and the misguided methods of coping are luxury items?
Sorry, but that’s not acceptable humanity in my world view. If youth are the most important resource on the planet as educators and administrators claim, then address their total needs, especially when the stats currently say that 1 in 4 children are living in a home where there is alcoholism or drug abuse. It is time to take alcoholism and drug addiction out of the closet of shame and into the discussion of active, committed prevention, intervention and treatment.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Will Peer Pressure be TOO MUCH for YOUR Grandkids?
By Susie Vanderlip
Susie@legacyofhope.com
www.legacyofhope.com
The term ‘peer pressure’ is tossed about by adults like the dreaded plague.
“It was peer pressure that got my grandson to start smoking pot,” I’ve heard a grandparent say.
“It was the group of kids she hangs out with (peer pressure) that got my daughter into trouble as a teen. She had my granddaughter at 17; and now I see my granddaughter going down the same path. I worry about her,” another grandparent was overheard sharing at a bridge game.
What makes your grandkids succumb to ‘peer pressure’ to drink, do drugs, party with prescription drugs, have irresponsible sex and make other radically poor decisions?
Perhaps this definition of ‘peer pressure’ will help; and help YOU help your grandkids resist it.
Peer pressure is really a combination of two elements:
1. Peer Opportunity – This is when your grand-teen hangs around peers who are drink, smoke pot, use meth or other drugs, party with prescription drugs and/or are having sex – the opportunity to engage in these activities is around your beloved teen;
2. Emotional Vulnerability – This is when your grand-teen has chronic low self-esteem and emotional angst, unresolved hurt/loss/grief from family problems, is filled with significant self-loathing, etc.
Peer Opportunity alone is not enough to make a teen engage in drinking, drug use and sex. I’ve known many teens in my 19 years of working with and coaching 25,000 teens who may hang with teens doing harmful behaviors, but these teens never participate because their self-esteem is such that they wouldn’t want to put themselves in harms way – they feel they have a future and a right to a good future. Though all teens have angst and low self-esteem at times, these teens are not chronically Emotionally Vulnerable so they are internally empowered to say NO.
I’ve worked with many MORE teens, however, that have taken advantage of Peer Opportunity to engage in harmful behaviors because they think they are “losers,” so many feel unloved by one or both parents, so many have been verbally criticized by emotionally troubled parents, so many have felt outcast by parents who don’t pay enough attention to them or never offer positive feedback or encouragement.
The one thing you as a grandparent can do to help YOUR grand-teen resist Peer Opportunity is to recognize and address their EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY.
Grandparents are in a unique position to get honest with grandkids of any age. In many cases, grandkids don’t feel as chastised or rejected by grandparents, rather, they feel safer. Grandparents are “old,” so grand-teens may feel they know more than their parents who control their lives in ways that seem so arbitrary to a teen.
It is critical that grandparents confront your own guilt over how your adult children turned out, even if they are addicts/alcoholics/divorcees/disappointments to you, and HELP YOUR GRANDKIDS deal with their emotional reactions to their parents. Be up front with grandkids, ask the scary and tough questions:
“Did your parents divorce really hurt you?”
“Do you feel like your mom doesn’t love you because she’s in jail for drug use?”
“Do you remember bad fights at home when you were little? Do you want to tell me about it?”
“Do you feel like you are a loser sometimes or that nobody should love you, honey?” “Do you need help figuring out how to feel OK about yourself?”
“Do you hate your dad because he’s not around and doesn’t call or see you?”
“Do you feel like all the problems at home are all YOUR fault?”
You may wonder, can I really ask my grand teen such pointed questions? ABSOLUTELY! Somebody in their lives has to or the emotional pain they have accumulated from family problems will be TOO MUCH for them to handle – and then Peer Opportunity looks like a way to cope.
Can you let it be OK for them to acknowledge hurt, loss, self-loathing, resentment and grief? Note that GRIEF is very common in teens as their brain matures and they remember highly painful childhood moments – a moment when Mom and Dad got physical in an argument; a moment when Dad or Mom first struck them; a moment when Dad was no longer present in the house and didn’t come by for a birthday or a soccer game; MOMENTS that linger with serious hurt and loss. Teens have NO idea how to process grief – most adults don’t either. That does NOT give us permission to deny it. Denial of grief and loss in our long lives hurts our relationships because we distance ourselves or feel shame or blame or resentment. And how many grandparents themselves turn to alcohol, pain killers or other drugs to cope with their own unresolved grief, loss, and self-loathing?
Now do you get it? Grand teens, even younger grandchildren, need to express the feelings that make them conclude that THEY are the problem; THEY are the untouchable/unlovable. Why NOT drink, do drugs or have irresponsible sex with peers when YOU DON’T MATTER ANYWAY?
BE BRAVE, dear grandparents! Ask the question and then BITE YOUR TONGUE when you want to tell your grandchild that their perception of a situation isn’t true or that you think their feelings are wrong! Please, don’t tell a grandchild that their feelings are wrong. Telling someone their feelings are wrong makes them feel guilty for natural emotional reactions. No one is WRONG for what they feel; feelings just happen! It’s what we do about our feelings that matters. Stay as non-judgmental as you can and just allow your grandchild to get his/her feelings – feelings that may have been pent up and hidden for a very long time or come out as rebellion, anger or depression.
If you make a grand-teen feel WRONG for having certain feelings, they will most likely feel angry and/or hurt, and may try to suppress the feelings you don’t like. Suppressing feelings is not easy or healthy for anyone to do; and that is why alcohol and drugs become very appealing. They are, unfortunately, effective emotional coping tools for a period of time – until the consequences of their use takes hold.
Instead, just do what is called MIRROR their feelings back to your grandchildren:
“It sounds like you hurt a lot, and I’m sorry because I love you.”
“It sounds like you are very angry at your Mom/Dad. I can understand how you feel.”
Then tell them you care about how they feel.
And do the next indicated thing; help them get the extra help they need. Help enable your grandchild to be able to see a counselor, therapist or psychologist – a professional well trained in helping youth express and resolve the feelings that make them Emotionally Vulnerable and susceptible to Peer Opportunity. Consider taking them and yourself to Al-Anon (www.al-anon.org) if your adult children’s drinking or drug use bothers your grandchild or you.
Human beings are emotionally sensitive beings and feelings are part of EVERY DECISION we make, whether we like to admit it or not. So, get strong and courageous and help your grandkids DEAL WITH FEELINGS, rather than hide, deny and suppress. Then, you will significantly help your grandkids resist Peer Pressure.
By Susie Vanderlip
Susie@legacyofhope.com
www.legacyofhope.com
The term ‘peer pressure’ is tossed about by adults like the dreaded plague.
“It was peer pressure that got my grandson to start smoking pot,” I’ve heard a grandparent say.
“It was the group of kids she hangs out with (peer pressure) that got my daughter into trouble as a teen. She had my granddaughter at 17; and now I see my granddaughter going down the same path. I worry about her,” another grandparent was overheard sharing at a bridge game.
What makes your grandkids succumb to ‘peer pressure’ to drink, do drugs, party with prescription drugs, have irresponsible sex and make other radically poor decisions?
Perhaps this definition of ‘peer pressure’ will help; and help YOU help your grandkids resist it.
Peer pressure is really a combination of two elements:
1. Peer Opportunity – This is when your grand-teen hangs around peers who are drink, smoke pot, use meth or other drugs, party with prescription drugs and/or are having sex – the opportunity to engage in these activities is around your beloved teen;
2. Emotional Vulnerability – This is when your grand-teen has chronic low self-esteem and emotional angst, unresolved hurt/loss/grief from family problems, is filled with significant self-loathing, etc.
Peer Opportunity alone is not enough to make a teen engage in drinking, drug use and sex. I’ve known many teens in my 19 years of working with and coaching 25,000 teens who may hang with teens doing harmful behaviors, but these teens never participate because their self-esteem is such that they wouldn’t want to put themselves in harms way – they feel they have a future and a right to a good future. Though all teens have angst and low self-esteem at times, these teens are not chronically Emotionally Vulnerable so they are internally empowered to say NO.
I’ve worked with many MORE teens, however, that have taken advantage of Peer Opportunity to engage in harmful behaviors because they think they are “losers,” so many feel unloved by one or both parents, so many have been verbally criticized by emotionally troubled parents, so many have felt outcast by parents who don’t pay enough attention to them or never offer positive feedback or encouragement.
The one thing you as a grandparent can do to help YOUR grand-teen resist Peer Opportunity is to recognize and address their EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY.
Grandparents are in a unique position to get honest with grandkids of any age. In many cases, grandkids don’t feel as chastised or rejected by grandparents, rather, they feel safer. Grandparents are “old,” so grand-teens may feel they know more than their parents who control their lives in ways that seem so arbitrary to a teen.
It is critical that grandparents confront your own guilt over how your adult children turned out, even if they are addicts/alcoholics/divorcees/disappointments to you, and HELP YOUR GRANDKIDS deal with their emotional reactions to their parents. Be up front with grandkids, ask the scary and tough questions:
“Did your parents divorce really hurt you?”
“Do you feel like your mom doesn’t love you because she’s in jail for drug use?”
“Do you remember bad fights at home when you were little? Do you want to tell me about it?”
“Do you feel like you are a loser sometimes or that nobody should love you, honey?” “Do you need help figuring out how to feel OK about yourself?”
“Do you hate your dad because he’s not around and doesn’t call or see you?”
“Do you feel like all the problems at home are all YOUR fault?”
You may wonder, can I really ask my grand teen such pointed questions? ABSOLUTELY! Somebody in their lives has to or the emotional pain they have accumulated from family problems will be TOO MUCH for them to handle – and then Peer Opportunity looks like a way to cope.
Can you let it be OK for them to acknowledge hurt, loss, self-loathing, resentment and grief? Note that GRIEF is very common in teens as their brain matures and they remember highly painful childhood moments – a moment when Mom and Dad got physical in an argument; a moment when Dad or Mom first struck them; a moment when Dad was no longer present in the house and didn’t come by for a birthday or a soccer game; MOMENTS that linger with serious hurt and loss. Teens have NO idea how to process grief – most adults don’t either. That does NOT give us permission to deny it. Denial of grief and loss in our long lives hurts our relationships because we distance ourselves or feel shame or blame or resentment. And how many grandparents themselves turn to alcohol, pain killers or other drugs to cope with their own unresolved grief, loss, and self-loathing?
Now do you get it? Grand teens, even younger grandchildren, need to express the feelings that make them conclude that THEY are the problem; THEY are the untouchable/unlovable. Why NOT drink, do drugs or have irresponsible sex with peers when YOU DON’T MATTER ANYWAY?
BE BRAVE, dear grandparents! Ask the question and then BITE YOUR TONGUE when you want to tell your grandchild that their perception of a situation isn’t true or that you think their feelings are wrong! Please, don’t tell a grandchild that their feelings are wrong. Telling someone their feelings are wrong makes them feel guilty for natural emotional reactions. No one is WRONG for what they feel; feelings just happen! It’s what we do about our feelings that matters. Stay as non-judgmental as you can and just allow your grandchild to get his/her feelings – feelings that may have been pent up and hidden for a very long time or come out as rebellion, anger or depression.
If you make a grand-teen feel WRONG for having certain feelings, they will most likely feel angry and/or hurt, and may try to suppress the feelings you don’t like. Suppressing feelings is not easy or healthy for anyone to do; and that is why alcohol and drugs become very appealing. They are, unfortunately, effective emotional coping tools for a period of time – until the consequences of their use takes hold.
Instead, just do what is called MIRROR their feelings back to your grandchildren:
“It sounds like you hurt a lot, and I’m sorry because I love you.”
“It sounds like you are very angry at your Mom/Dad. I can understand how you feel.”
Then tell them you care about how they feel.
And do the next indicated thing; help them get the extra help they need. Help enable your grandchild to be able to see a counselor, therapist or psychologist – a professional well trained in helping youth express and resolve the feelings that make them Emotionally Vulnerable and susceptible to Peer Opportunity. Consider taking them and yourself to Al-Anon (www.al-anon.org) if your adult children’s drinking or drug use bothers your grandchild or you.
Human beings are emotionally sensitive beings and feelings are part of EVERY DECISION we make, whether we like to admit it or not. So, get strong and courageous and help your grandkids DEAL WITH FEELINGS, rather than hide, deny and suppress. Then, you will significantly help your grandkids resist Peer Pressure.
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