Following my school assemblies, I stay on school campuses, as many of you know, for hours upon hours meeting with individual teens and groups of teens from two to fifty who often desperately want to get things off their chest. I talk to some 5,000 teens every year in grades 6 thru 12 each year in states all across the US and from every economic and cultural background to be found in our vastly diverse country. Needless to say, I get a snapshot of what is happening in the minds and hearts of our teens that I feel extraordinarily privileged to experience and equally responsible for sharing with any other adult who cares about our national treasure - our youth.
And across this diverse collection of disclosures I see two undeniable patterns in teen thinking. 1. Many, way too many, are plagued by deep sadness/grief/PTSD and 2. They worry.
When I ask teens if they worry, 99% of teens say they worry. Do they learn to worry from their parents? Many admit that their parents worry “a LOT”, and that they as teens have learned that “worrying” is what you do to manage in life. Many parents do worry a lot. And what IS worry? “Worry” is fear over something we imagine/anticipate/expect will happen in the future. What do we hope to accomplish by worrying? Perhaps it is a way of trying to protect ourselves from overwhelming emotional pain if what we fear actually happens. If we anticipate something bad happening and then worry about it, maybe it will somehow provide some method of avoiding the bad thing happening.
The funny thing is, worry in and of itself does nothing to control our future, it just steals our focus and our energy from today! We impact the future by making TODAY as good as possible – focusing our analytical skills and our energy and our efforts to making today’s activities and responsibilities as positive and successful as we can. THAT is what prepares us to handle “come what may” – because the future is truly only in the hands of forces beyond our control – for me, I like to call that God.
If teens live in a family where a spiritual approach to life is not present, then worry becomes the method of fear management. When disappointments, chaos, confusion or tragedy strike, it is difficult to make any sense of them without a belief in a Higher Power/God. It is difficult to believe there is any rhyme or reason or hope of things getting better. So, teens – parents – people WORRY.
Many teens worry because of their parents and their parents’ behaviors. I know because
thousands upon thousands of teens share with me about parents with drinking problems and the resulting chaos, unpredictability, verbal/physical/sexual abuses, and unrelenting anger they witness in their homes. Parental alcoholism often generates fierce arguments, incessant criticisms and degradation, severe financial stress and divorce within a family. All this chaos teaches the children/teens to “worry” incessantly. What will they come home to after school today? Will they be blamed for everything that happens in the household tonight? Will Dad beat up Mom again after downing his couple six packs this evening? Will Dad run around the house with a shotgun threatening the whole family when he’s loaded by midnight? Worry is often the only thing a teen knows to do to keep a grip in an unsafe insanity they have to call home. I worried, too, when I lived with an alcoholic/drug addicted husband – at least until I found help and hope in support groups for the families of alcoholics.
And then there are the high-achievers and teens from middle to upper middle class families who are in the highest level of competition with their peers for grades, AP classes, and entrance into the better universities. These teens worry extensively, too, only in their case, about meeting the expectations of their parents and the high expectations they have of themselves. They live in a highly stressful world as well where the “fear of not being loved” is usually described as a fear of failure – of not making the grade in the higher echelons of life.
Many young people learn to worry because of past pain they want to avoid in the future – usually the pain of feeling like a failure and, beneath that, the fear of not being lovable – and, in its final form, the fear of not receiving love and acceptance.
It’s easy to see how children from abusive homes can feel unloved and, though perhaps less recognized, how children from high achieving families feel unloved if they don’t perform to expectations.
Curing “worry” is a matter of healing for many teens. Healing the past traumas that linger as vivid DVD movie images in the minds of teens and that do not degrade or diminish in emotional intensity over time. Preteens through teens regularly describe to me in acute detail the memories of traumas from yesterday, or one, three, five, even 8 years ago that happened in their homes. How does a child stop “worrying” when they have post traumatic stress (PTSD)? That is what many will carry with them for a lifetime without help from therapy, support groups, self-help groups, etc.
Other teens can be helped if adults who understand the number one fear of teens – the fear of one or both parents not loving them – and who give teens a helping perspective. The behaviors of their parents are not a child’s fault! The choices of a parent are not a teen’s fault. The drinking, drug use, and abuse of a parent are not the children’s fault.
And that their parent may be sick with addiction and/or unknowingly acting out the unhealed traumas of their own childhood.
Teens from high-achievement oriented homes can be helped by parents showing their teens that they love them no matter what. By helping their teens see that there is no outcome that will keep them from loving their children. I encourage parents to reassess their expectations of their children and beware of placing their own fear of failure on the backs of their teens. See each child as an individual with special traits, skills and lovability, whether they fulfill YOUR dreams for them or not. Be an encourager, a boundary setter, a storyteller, a hugger, a helper, a dream builder, a coach - but not a
judge and jury that labels a teen “a loser,” “a slacker,” a “disappointment,” “an unworthy B----,” or many of the other unspeakable categorizations that, sadly, too many teens have heard from parents. And it is acutely clear to me that once said to a child, children/teens remember these labels for LIFE if amends and apologies are not made immediately by parents. The brain of a developing child/teen is like a sponge. And whatever a parent fills it with is absorbed, becoming a prominent part of the internal chatter of that child for life.
“Worry” sounds so innocuous but it is often symptomatic of much more emotional need in a teen than most adults may ever imagine. So, treat it as an indicator that a teen may need more compassion, patience, kindness and time with you, their parent. Teens are still quite literal. They need to hear the words, “I love you no matter what.” They need to receive hugs for their effort regardless of the result. They need to receive encouragement even as they fail to score. They also may need therapy, conversations with a social worker or school counselor, participation in support groups for such things as children of alcoholics/violence or anger management, and opportunities to find their interests, skills and new goals.
Lastly, encourage spiritual pursuits. Encourage a quiet time, a quiet mind. Encourage acts of kindness and gratitude lists. Encourage journaling and getting the emotions out on paper. And encourage prayer – even when they feel their God has forgotten them or thinks they aren’t as important or loved by God. Keep YOUR mustard seed of faith and pass it along to your kids.
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